Super Horatio's Super Adventures

I feel sick

2009-05-07T19:07:00.001+09:30

Some bloody kid in Rundle Mall probably gave me Human Flu or something :( I'm too sick to do anything Heroic these days.

What's going on?!

2008-07-16T22:30:00.003+09:30

Why have People been downloading My Second Theme Song at a Rate of about 8 times a Day for the last 5 Months?! Super Horatio hasn't even Been doing anything heroic lately... maybe I have to put an End to this Nonsense. Actually, the last heroic thing I saw was on a Bus where someone Got On and Pay-ed with a $100 note. The Heroic Bus Driver had just enough Change for the Passenger, and told the Passenger to Never Do That Again.

Seriously, I'm very confused, why is this happening?

Weird Missions

2008-03-09T16:31:00.005+10:30

I've been given the Weirdest Missions lately. Someone at this bakery asked me to visit all of the bakeries in the Universe to make sure that this sign was true:

I am a pig, I ate hot cross buns from all over the universe.

On my travels, I came across someone who didn't need help from a superhero, they just needed a tow. Unfortunately, they couldn't call themselves for help.

Would have been funny if the tow truck being towed was also towing a car. I would be worried about karma coming to bite me if I actually owned a car. I don't. I own a cape instead :D

Oops

2008-02-23T11:23:00.002+10:30

In marvelling at my own brilliance in Saving The Day yet again, I forgot that I have a vendetta against Danno. Maybe I was just in awe being in the presence of The Modellers. I should have pushed him off a Cliff! I will get you one day Danno!

Super Horatio Goes To The Mountains

2008-02-21T20:26:00.011+10:30

It's been a while since I posted. I haven't been doing much, just getting the North Ryde Symphony together each afternoon to play tunes on car horns on Epping Rd. It's fun listening to it as you fly by. You can see that I was flying from the Elevated Position from which I took this photo.

Anyway, this week, I went to The Mountains That Are Blue. I don't know why they are called that, they weren't depressed and they were very very grey. Until I turned up. Let me explain.

On Monday night, the forecast for Katoomba was "early fog/drizzle". I went up there as my alter ego Tzu Yen with my other alter ego Danno and my not alter ego Minh. We travelled along the Great Western Highway which confused the Western Australian Navigators that kept looking for Great Eastern Highway! We eventually got to Gloomy Katoomba where we were confonted with fog that arrived early and hung around to greet us at midday.

There were British Tourists leaving and cursing that they had flown across the World and then driven for two hours to see familiar weather! Danno had taken a day off to leave Sydney and was greeted with more Sydney weather! (well serve him right, he celebrated the end of the first six months of his working life by... not going to work.) This required a Heroic Mission! With a flash of my cape, I used my recently acquired Godly Weather Manipulation Skills and blew all of the fog out of the valley and everyone could see and they were happy. Super Horatio saves the day again!

Traitor!!!

2008-01-20T21:34:00.000+10:30

My Official Songwriter has been writing songs for other people! I am outraged! I have been playing my Super Horatio record backwards all afternoon in an effort to ... well, I don't know what, I'm just Really Aannoyed. You Will Die, Former Official Songwriter! I hope your modelling friends will help you out!

Gee, that was close

2008-01-11T08:04:00.000+10:30

After I helped Danno record my new song, I went to leave his apartment building but as it was daytime, I was a Pig and someone saw me and captured me and put me in their fridge and wanted to cook me for a feast :( Luckily when they opened the fridge next time, it was night time and I was no longer a Pig and I punched them in the eye and flew out of there. Phew.

Super Horatio's Godly Adventures

2008-01-05T11:03:00.000+10:30

I, Super Horatio, have spent the past months being Assistant Weather God Horatio. It's a Promotion from being a Super Hero. I have been flooding the East Coast of Australia with the Rain that should have fallen over the last 10 years. I think I may have overdone my latest dose though.

However, my Godly Adventures will soon come to an end so look out for the return of Super Horatio's Super Adventures.

I am alive

2007-10-25T19:39:00.000+09:30

I think. All I remember is being called out to rescue my fellow Rundle Mall Pig, Truffles, from, well, I don't want to say, it's horrible. Unfortunately it was a setup and fucking Truffles tried to get me turned into a Sunday Morning Bacon Breakfast. I've been in hospital for the last few months and am still trying to get my Powers to work again. I wonder what happened to me. I can't fly anymore. And the stupid bloody people in this hospital put my Cape through the wash or something and it's shrunk so that it will only fit a midget. Idiots.

It's time to go...

2007-05-09T22:04:00.000+09:30

...Horatio!

Yes, Super Horatio is going to Japan to train to be a Ninja. Be back soon. But you won't see me. Watch out.

The Super Horatio Theme Song and Official Video Clip

2007-05-03T00:46:00.000+09:30

Lyrics to The Super Horatio Theme Song

2007-04-30T23:25:00.000+09:30

(sung to the tune of The Super Horatio Theme Song)

Horatio Horatio, Superhero Pig
Only takes on the missions that are the most big
Statue by day in Rundle Mall, Adelaide
By night, caped crusader who never gets paid

Never gets cast for any good TV shows
Because when in pig form he looks comatose
But Horatio goes on the greatest adventures
And saved the day once when he found granny's dentures.

Serviettes that he sees he folds up and wears
To cover the fact that he's losing his hairs
From the stress of the job, he never can rest
Horatio's must always be giving his best.

Except when he sits down to write a bad poem
And he can't think of a single word that rhymes with poem
So I think that this is nearly the end
Because this line, the sixteenth, is the last.

What? No Horatio?!

2007-02-05T15:37:00.000+10:30

I'm extremely disappointed that I wasn't offered a role on Heroes. I mean, I have appeared in successful TV shows in the past. Also I would be able to help them out with writing the story, and help them save money with their special effects budget. Maybe I was overlooked because Heroes and 24 both air on Mondays in the Greatest World in the World and they thought I couldn't be in both at the same time. Well, I'm a real Hero, not an actor...

Random act of kindness

2006-12-09T16:33:00.000+10:30

Since the Poms lost the unloseable test match in Adelaide (my hometown! I actually live about 1km from the ground - see the satellite image below - notice how I am also close to the National Wine Centre on the right of the image too!), and that Australia are now at unbackable odds to win the series, I decided that I would try to make them look less useless in the next match by suddenly retiring Aussie batsman Damien Martyn mid-series, without playing a final game in front of his home crowd. So whilst everyone else is confused, now you know of what my Super Hero Powers can do!

"Now I am a fixture down Rundle Mall, watching as the locals pass Silver Balls..." somewhere to the east of me.

It's time to go...

2006-12-04T13:51:00.000+10:30

Kim. Don't worry Mr Beazley, Super Horatio will Make Sure that if John Howard wins the Next Election (which may require a Heroic Mission in itself), then You will be Reinstated as ALP Leader Yet Again.

Rescue Mission Failed

2006-11-27T22:45:00.000+10:30

The English Cricket Team hired Me to Rescue Them from a humiliating defeat. Of course, this was impossible. I decided to toy with them though and give them some hope with Collingwood and Pietersen getting into the 90s before I cruelly stopped supporting them! Muahahaha. Michael Slater would be proud.

You may have noticed that I've already helped Kevin Pietersen a lot, firstly I got rid of his stupid Skunk Hair Style. Also, I made sure that when King Warnie threw the ball at KP at the end of the over yesterday, KP managed to get enough on the ball so it didn't deflect into Gilly's head (or Ears for that case). There would have been a war if the Ex-Skunk had decapitated the acting Captain of the Australian Cricket Team, the most important position of Power in the Country. Then again, maybe the Australian Cricket Team would have marched off the field and forfeited the game. It's the only way England can win a match.

Bullshit

2006-11-14T13:10:00.000+10:30

Time's 60 Years of Heroes list has one Notable Omission: Me! What sort of a stupid list is this, the magazine must be quite dodgy. I wouldn't be surprised if they named Adolf Hitler or George W. Bush as their Person of the Year. It wouldn't surprise me if they named one of them as Person of the Year TWICE. What a load of crock.

I Am Invincible!

2006-10-27T17:22:00.000+09:30

I Am In-vin-ci

Mother of all Missions

2006-10-09T13:10:00.000+09:30

My Hardest Mission Ever was carried out today. I detonated a nucular bomb in the undemocratic Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Now they think that they are nucular-capable but they could never build a bomb that works without my intervention!

I did my best

2006-10-03T17:20:00.000+09:30

I know some people that are not Eagles fans and so I did my best to prevent them from seeing an Eagles Victory in 2006. I managed to get Fox Footy to broadcast the 2005 Grand Final between the same teams contesting the 2006 GF, at the same time as the 2006 version was being played! Some people fell for it! Hahaha!

Stuck

2006-10-01T14:59:00.000+09:30

I've been very busy lately on Missions to stop The Leader Of The Free World, George W. Bush, from making stupid statements. You will have noticed it has been at least a week since he said something stupid. Yes, thank you, thank you very much.

Closer to home, my good friend Danno had a problem with his CD stacker in his car. Seems that the stupid thing tried to put the CD 2 back into the slot for CD 1, except that there was already a CD in the CD 1 slot. Of course, it couldn't. So the stacker was crunching away for a week while I was away... Last night though, I answered my friend's call for help and I managed to jam 2 CDs into one slot so that the magazine could be taken out of the player, and the CDs then un-jammed.

Saved!

2006-09-12T13:22:00.000+09:30

I've been quite lazy recently. However, after Michael O'Loughlin kicked the winning goal for the Sydeney Swans to beat the Eagles on Saturday night, I had to use all of my powers to stop this Hungry Jack's-sponsored fan from eating the hero...

Seriously though, what's all the fuss about? I thought it was great the Mick gave it back to the crowd.

Keeping Fit

2006-08-18T00:46:00.000+09:30

As a Super Hero, it's essential to stay Fit because the last thing you want is to be half way through a Heroic Mission and you're stuffed and you Fail to be a Hero. So since I have stress fractures in one of my feet I have gone back to swimming to keep fit.

For some reason I really liked swimming for a few months. Then I realised that it's boring as hell, watching this black line at the bottom of a pool... up and back, up and back, up and back. Obviously I had some influence on the sport though because someone saw me swimming in my Super Horatio costume and the next thing you know, you see Thorpie and co swimming in similar outfits, but coloured black and minus the Cape.

So recently I have been pool running... running in a deep pool. Kind of like the least efficient way to tread water. I can now run one lap of this square pool with about a 60m perimeter in about 5 minutes. Pretty quick huh. Of course I get lots of people looking at me weird, they're probably thinking things like:

That's a funny way to tread water.
He's been doing that for half an hour, can't he figure out how to get out of the pool?
You're supposed to run on land, not in the water!
It's winter. Get out of the pool you idiot.
Nice Costume!

Yeah so there you go. I might not be running on an injured foot on Sunday week but I'll be volunteering as I mentioned before.

City to Surf

2006-08-16T00:29:00.000+09:30

I'm volunteering my Super Hero Abilities to anyone who needs them in the City to Surf on Sunday week. Just sing the Super Horatio song when you're on Bagot Rd a few km in and I will come and drench you with magical praised oxygenated water that will fill you with energy and help you to get to the next drinks station at least.

Of course if you don't know the Super Horatio song you won't get help.

Broadway > Chelsea's

2006-08-09T11:58:00.000+09:30

Last night, Super Horatio came to the rescue a bit closer to home this time. There were a couple of conversations where I tried to convince people that Broadway Pizza was better than Chelsea's. Unfortunately no one else had heard of Broadway Pizza! Pfffffftttt. Thankfully they didn't say anything like "Chelsea's is better than Domino's". Then I really would have lost it.

So time ticks away, people get the munchies and set out for Chelsea's. Super Horatio to the rescue! The time magically fast forwarded to after midnight and Chelsea's was closed, but people were still hungry. Where else is there to go except Broadway? Muahahahaha. And they all said it was GOOOOOODDDD. (That's me drawing out the word "Good", not "God".)

btw, Broadway do UWA Guild discount at $9.90 for a large pizza (which is even better than the $20.90 for two large pizzas deal). I don't know if this includes the gourmet range.

Agent Horatio

2006-08-04T23:13:00.000+09:30

24 season ending spoiler below.

Well I mentioned before that I applied for a role on 24. It didn't happen this season but astute viewers of the final episode will have noticed that I was hiding in the tanker where the Chinese were holding Jack Bauer. Click on the image below to view a larger version, this is a gamma-corrected screen capture from the last few minutes of season 5 aired in Adelaide last night. You can't see me in the uncorrected transmitted video.

I snuck onto the ship in my pig form where the Chinese put me in storage to roast and eat me later on. I have cut a deal with Jack that if I rescue him from the ship and fly him back to LA as long as he does the heroic thing and wears a cape and undies on the outside of his costume in the next series.

Kia ora

2006-07-28T13:13:00.000+09:30

Winston Peters (NZ Foreign Minister) is wrong. Obviously, the Chinese are descended from Maoris and have since evolved such that men no longer carry handbags around. Thankfully. Imagine having to something Heroic while flying with a handbag over your shoulder. It would ruin my aerodynamics more than wearing my Undies on the outside of my Costume.

Best Mission Ever!

2006-07-26T15:24:00.000+09:30

Well over the last two days I have been on a Mission. It was the Best Mission Ever! Unfortunately it was a Top Secret Mission and if I tell you, I will have to kill you. So I will post details of the Mission tomorrow!

Casting Call!

2006-07-20T02:06:00.000+09:30

With the demise of more Main and Previously Main Characters in This Season of 24, I have applied for a position on the Cast. Jack Bauer is a choir boy compared to me, a CHOIR BOY!

I reckon I fit in nicely :) You will also notice that I'm in a position to piss on Jack's head if he doesn't do what I say, only problem is getting my undies off from outside my Hero Costume before I do it.

Adventure in Space

2006-07-19T13:27:00.000+09:30

This is a bit late because I've been recovering from a Massive Mission. I had to go into Space to follow the Space Shuttle Discovery home. Now this was pretty difficult because I has hired by NASA to fly around the Shuttle while it was still orbiting to check that the orbiter hadn't been breached by icy foam, cane toads, missing Israeli soldiers, or any other potentially catastrophic problems. Actually I went to Prof Ansari's talk last week, dressed up in my Cape, and the Prof hired me on the spot for this mission.

So it was important to get my timing right so that I wasn't exposed to the Vacuum of Space for too long while I did the checks. It's not as hazardous as you might think floating around in a Vacuum, but I am human after all. Well, sometimes. Don't try being sucked into your Vacuum Cleaner at home though. I had to keep diving back into the atmosphere every so often so I would survive my mission, the orbiter is quite big. Anyway all was fine but Mission Control (NASA's Mission Control, I don't have a Mission Control for my Missions) asked me to follow the orbiter down to Earth so I did. I almost had to intervene at the last minute with cloud cover obscuring the landing strip but in the end I wasn't needed at all. Phew. I don't think that I could have saved the orbiter if something had one bad, it's pretty big and heavy. It's not like I'm Superman.

So now Andy Thomas is not the only Croweater to go into space! Ha!

Rocket Man^H^H^HHero

2006-07-10T15:47:00.000+09:30

In The Age today, Super Horatio prevents Indian nucular missile test. Last week, I did my best to prevent missile launches by North Korea last week but I was too late. Over the weekend though, the Superhero Intelligence Agency alerted me to another test in my region, in India this time. Again I was too late to stop the launch (damn I love Indian food... why did they have to launch at lunch time?) but I managed to prevent the rocket from staging. Do you know how hard it is to hold a rocket's second and third stages together so they don't separate? When those explosive bolts blew to release the second stage, it almost knocked my glasses off. Thankfully I did enough to cause the rocket's Mission to be a Failure.

Friday Night Failure

2006-07-08T22:16:00.000+09:30

I was resting from my whirlwind visit to France the other night when my buddy Tzu Yen had a computer problem so I decided to help him out. Since I was physically exhausted and my cape was dirty from my last Mission, I converted myself into digital form and attempted to recreate myself on his computer. Unfortunately there were some issues with his firewall program and I couldn't get through to his computer!

So I decided I would exploit some existing Windows security holes and creating some new ones (easy!) but it meant that anyone installing or uninstalling any programs on the computer while I was doing this would result in a mess. Eventually I had a hole that I thought I could squeeze through onto Tzu Yen's computer but just as I was halfway onto his computer, it rebooted, my friend nearly killed me. When the computer finished booting I had to start the process again. Then the damn computer rebooted again!! This happened many times over four hours and since I was Very Lucky to still be alive, I decided to Abort my Mission.

I hope that Tzu Yen was able to solve his computer problems. I feel that I have let my friend down, I hope that I don't get a reputation for being a weak Hero for this incident :(

Super Horatio: Miracle Maker

2006-07-06T12:29:00.000+09:30

Well sometimes you have to go to great lengths to be a Super Hero. Last night I flew to France where Phil Liggett said the peloton needed a Miracle to catch the breakaway group that led by 30s with 5km to go. So I responded to the call. Anyway it's history now that not only did they catch them with several hundred metres to go, but Aussie Robbie Mac won the stage too. Here you can see me back in the pack after completing my Mission.

After seeing all the cyclists jerseys, I want to get a nice lycra Super Hero Suit to wear.

Shit shit shit

2006-07-05T12:24:00.000+09:30

You know what I Really Hate about being a statue of a Pig. The Bird Shit. I mean, being a pig and all by day, shit isn't bad, but the birds just tease you with a little drop of white stuff. If only those bastards had placed my statue somewhere near the beach where the seagulls could crap on me all day long, then I'd be as happy as a pig in ... you know. Of course when I morph into Super Horatio, it's not so cool because then I'd have shit all over my cape and it ruins the cape's aerodynamics. Not to mention the dry cleaning costs, let's face it, I don't have a lot of money. If I charged 50c for every kid that rides me in Rundle Mall then I'd be a rich pig.